


To Hell With Words

by PhantomRider



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, More angst, Romance, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-18
Updated: 2016-04-13
Packaged: 2018-03-02 00:56:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 20,585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2793884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PhantomRider/pseuds/PhantomRider
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kanda rubbed his forehead and sighed. He had the nasty feeling that this conversation wasn't over. Allen was like a bloodhound on a trail sometimes and he wouldn't stop until he got his answers- one way or another. In their world of fight or die, actions speak louder than words sometimes.</p><p>Kanda/Allen with implied Alma/Kanda</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Set in Motion

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first time I've actually sat down and written anything for DGM, despite an eight year or so obsession.... Hopefully, I do the series and characters justice. This is all self-beta'd, so I admit that there may be errors that managed to slip passed me. Thanks for taking the time to check this out!

When the summons from Komui came, the entire Order cringed away from the two Exorcists regarding one another from outside of his office. Allen Walker and Yu Kanda were eyeing one another from three feet apart, and no one could really tell what was going through either Exorcist’s mind. Allen was inwardly amused by the collective tension he could feel emanating from the rest of the Order, and Kanda was simply sighing; glad for a reason to get out of the Order. If people were to actually pay attention to their arguments, they’d realize that it wasn’t out of spite or hate that they argued, more like a bantering of friendship. They weren’t really trying to kill one another, no, they were using the fighting like others would use a card game- friendly competition. Lavi was the exception to the friendliness, at least he was when he started prodding at either of their prides.

Within an hour, the two had left the Order and the remaining inhabitants all had heaved a collective sigh of relief, and worry for whatever place they had been sent. Lavi had ended up running to his room, laughing uncontrollably, when he had overheard someone saying that only one of the pair would likely be coming back because the other would have killed them. _If only they really knew the truth about those two, they’d be a lot less worried and a lot more confused, I think._ The junior Bookman chortled to himself, slamming his door shut. For the longest time afterwards, everyone who passed by Lavi’s dorm had to pause to stare at the door- it wasn’t normal for the Exorcist to be laughing like a _total_ madman, or while locked in his room.

Meanwhile Allen and Kanda, once out of sight of the Order, had relaxed slightly. It got tiresome, the entire Order tensing up whenever the two of them were in the same room. The dining hall was the most stressing, since almost everyone was in the same place with little room left for them to flee if tables started flying. Kanda could understand wanting to run away from them when they did push each other too far and snapped. But as for the rest, it was like everyone expected blood to fly if he so much as walked passed Allen in the hallway. Allen, for his part, had relaxed considerably more than his ever-frowning companion. A glance at the swordsman showed that he was, indeed, still frowning, but the stress lines between his eyebrows were gone and; Allen was a little surprised to notice, Kanda didn’t have his eyes narrowed into the glare that was basically assumed to be glued to his face.

“What are you staring at?” Allen was startled out of his thoughts by the low voice of the Exorcist walking slightly in front of him. Kanda had half-turned his head to favor his silver-haired companion with a bemused expression. You had to really know the man to be able to pick out the differing expressions of the swordsman, he had never really been expressive with anything other than anger.

“Nothing that you’d care about.” Allen shot back, jerking his head to stare straight ahead, scowling with irritation at himself for getting caught. He heard a soft snort and a shifting of cloth from beside him, and glowered harder. “Why ask, anyway?” He muttered back, refusing to look at Kanda. An irritated huff was his answer, and he almost sighed in relief. He had figured that Kanda wouldn’t want to keep prodding; he never was the sort to care.

They walked in silence, meeting up with their Finder just before taking the now routine manner of boarding trains- which meant jumping onto a moving train from either a bridge or a building. Allen stretched slightly, once inside and out of the roar of wind generated by a train moving God only knew how fast. The two Exorcists stood in silence while their Finder spoke with the startled worker, before they were all escorted to the usual seat in first class.

There, Allen and Kanda both read through their briefing folders in silence, Allen having given up on starting a conversation with Kanda after the Ghost of Martel incident a while ago. He still got annoyed just thinking about how Kanda had acted the entire time, even if he had barely known the man then. He rolled his eyes, more to himself than anything, as he sorted through the unnecessary information to find the parts that were important. Like what rumor had sent the Finders there, and what truth now rang strong enough to summon the Exorcists out there.

“This seems like it should be fairly easy. I don’t see why they sent both of us. Just _you_ would be enough to deal with this.” Kanda growled out, crossing his legs and tossing his folder to the seat next to him. Allen’s eyebrow twitched at the implied slight- that Kanda was too good of an Exorcist to be on this mission, and instead glowered out the window. He could see the reflection of their Finder, who was slowly edging away. That put an even darker glower on his face. He wanted this mission done with already.

“Maybe you should do it yourself then.” He growled back, not even looking at the black-haired man to see his reaction. Allen never thought of himself as someone with a short temper, but interacting with Kanda Yu always seemed to bring out the worst in him. He wasn’t even this waspish around _Lavi_ and that was one person who could make anyone angry with the slightest effort.

“Perhaps. Then I won’t need to worry about the mess an amateur makes.” Kanda scoffed back, closing his eyes and resting his head against the seatback. He made a soft sound of amusement when he heard the compartment door open and close almost silently. That Finder had lasted a lot longer than Kanda had thought the man would. It seemed as though their warring dispositions were becoming almost legendary with anyone and everyone associated with the Order. That was almost enough to wring a smile from the swordsman.

“Yeah, because you’re so freakin’ great.” Kanda’s dark cobalt eyes napped open and he leveled a look at Allen, one that would have had anyone else backing up as fast as they could. Allen’s silver-gray eyes stared back just as angrily. “Face it, King of the Stuck Up. The world doesn’t revolve around you and what you want.” Allen inwardly cowered at the pure anger that rose to life in Kanda’s eyes, the frown becoming much more deadly in intensity.

“And, pray tell me, what do you; the _great_ Allen Walker, know about what I want?” Kanda’s voice was soft, almost friendly. And so much more terrifying than if he had started yelling as was the usual. “You think you know everything? Well, here’s something new for you. You don’t know fucking everything. I don’t want anything to do with the goddamn Order and their stupid mission!” Kanda turned away, arms crossing tightly over his chest, an annoyed snarl bubbling from his throat and out through clenched teeth. “Shut up.” He added helpfully, glaring violently as Allen opened his mouth again. “It’s not something I’m ever going to tell anyone.” Allen closed his mouth and turned away, eyes downcast. He had pushed the other man too far, and further away. He hadn’t been trying to, but he appeared to have found a nerve. Allen sighed, running a hand through his hair, thinking ruefully that maybe he could never really be friends with Kanda. Something just rubbed the wrong way. A quick glance showed Kanda staring out the window with the expression of someone lost in thoughts, so far from being where his body was. Allen blinked, eyebrows drawing together as he noticed the almost sad twist to the other’s lips that were pressed into a thin line. _Ah, Allen… you should have just shut up before._

Allen didn’t try starting a conversation with Kanda for the entire rest of the train ride. Kanda felt a slight sense of worry, usually Allen would bounce back a few hours later, but this time he seemed to had lapsed into an awkwardly abnormal silence. The few times their eyes met, Allen would look away immediately, a murmured ‘sorry’ before he would turn his head and close his eyes. The younger had finally dozed off after a while, and Kanda was almost relieved. He wasn’t sure why he was so bothered with the other’s silence, usually this is what he internally wished would happen. But this just felt wrong. Maybe he had been harsher than he’d needed to be earlier, but the memories that Allen had unintentionally brought up were the worst of Kanda’s entire life- and the entire reason for his life. He wanted to forget, he wanted to remember, he just wished all the pain would fade away into nothingness. But the lotus flowers still taunted him in his sleep, spurred him to keep hunting for that one; he had vowed he’d never die until he found him. He had a lot he wanted to say, but knew he’d never get the words out; but he had to try. Kanda jerked his thoughts from his memories with a silent snarl, angrily dragging a hand across his eyes. His skin came away cold and damp, and he thanked whatever luck he had that Allen was sound asleep now. He never wanted anyone to see him cry, it was weakness pure and simple. He hadn’t cried in _years_ … and to think that he should almost do so now, at the prodding of Allen Walker? It made no sense, Allen had nothing to do with the past and he knew nothing of it.  Kanda drew in a long, shaky breath before closing his eyes and concentrated on nothing but the slow in and out of his breathing. He needed to clear his mind, or he really would be unfit for this stupid mission. He didn’t catch the wide eyes regarding him from the other bench with shock and a slight sense of pity. Allen stared at the ceiling, wondering what on earth could be capable of making _Kanda_ shed tears.

Neither Exorcist said a word when they disembarked the train, other than to ask the Finder to lead on. They both just wanted to go home, but knew that the path home would take longer than the three days it had taken them to get out there. They would take a different way home, since the recovery of any Innocence they found would lead to a fight with the Akuma, and Allen had the unfortunate habit of attracting the Millennium Earl to every place he went- and that was not something they wanted to clue in to where they lived. So, they followed behind the Finder in silence, minds turned to the battle they would inevitably fight and what to do in various situations.

It wasn’t long before they reached the town in question, the sheer business of it had Kanda glowering again. Or maybe it was just all the stares they were getting, being dressed in black and silver. It was probably that, Allen’s silver-white hair, and the fact that Kanda was openly carrying a sword strapped to his hip. Once or twice, Allen heard an excited gasp of ‘exorcists!’ and would cringe, the worst place to get attacked was in a crowded area. No room to maneuver, so many innocent people would die… so many blind spots for Akuma to exploit. He felt his features settling into a tense, determined look. This would end as quickly as he could manage, and he would protect as many as he could- even if that meant another standoff with Kanda; who would back down in the end. He wasn’t as cold as he wanted everyone to think. Allen had seen under that armor to the man beneath, and he found that he rather liked what he had seen there. Not that he would ever admit that to anyone, and generally denied it to himself. One did not simply like Kanda Yuu.

It wasn’t a day later that they were found, locked into the battle for their lives with Akuma on every side; Finders scurrying for cover where they could get it and trying not to get killed or get in the way. Allen had lost track of how many of the machine-monsters he had destroyed, and lost count of the number of times he had been slammed into walls, the ground, and clear _through_ walls. Kanda wasn’t fairing much better, his hair tie had been torn out at some point and his arm was bleeding badly enough to leave little trails of blood on the stone around him, the sleeve of his coat torn clean off. He was fighting with a set expression, lips curled back into a snarl as he sidestepped the newest assault. Allen envied the grace with which the other fought, each movement precise- Kanda almost looked as though he were dancing amid the hail of bullets and flying chunks of stone. Allen wrenched his thoughts back to their enemies, he could draw up similarities later, after the Akuma were dead and everyone else alive with the Innocence found. A quick glance showed the Finders protecting it still inside the barrier, and the others well hidden; not like the Akuma would be looking for them when they had two Exorcists in their sights. Allen grinned, this would end soon enough, he mused as he punched through another of the floating cannon-adorned creatures to leave a small explosion behind.

“Finally….” Allen sighed, as the last of the Akuma ended its pitiful second life in a blast of sound and dust before fading away to a silence that sounded louder than the gunfire had. Allen slowly slid down the half-destroyed wall behind him, coming to a weary rest on the rubble-strewn ground. Kanda dropped to the ground near him, Mugen resting on the ground between them, receding from gleaming Innocence to cold metal as it went back to sleep; all work done.

“It’s all over.” Kanda agreed, voice weary as he inspected his wounded arm, a soft sound of distaste slipping form him as he glared at the gash running down his upper arm; it was caked with dirt and rock dust from the fight.

“How bad are you hurt?” Allen asked, struggling to sit up. He leaned over the other, trying to get a good look at his arm, only to be gently elbowed back.

“It’ll heal by tonight.” Kanda retorted, sourly using his good hand to sweep his hair from his eyes. Allen chuckled at that, shaking his head when Kanda turned to stare at him. “What’s so funny, moyashi?” Kanda growled, not sounding remotely angry.

“You are.” Allen replied, shaking his head (at the stupid name that Kanda used in lieu of his real one) and falling back against the cold stone. “We’re alive.” He added, almost an afterthought.

“We are.” Kanda agreed, tilting his head to eye the stars sparkling from beyond the light cloud cover, the calls of the team of Finders soft behind them. The two Exorcists drifted, halfway asleep, while the Finders searched for them; locating them fairly fast. Kanda staggered to his feet after slapping away the hands that reached down to help him, prodding Allen awake with his foot. “Oi. Time to get up and find a place to sleep. Then we can go home.” _Home._ Kanda mused to himself. _When did that place become ‘home’ to me?_

Their small group staggered its way into town, ignored the odd looks residents were giving them, and into the place they had been staying. Once inside, the Finder whom had come with them from the Order half dragged Allen to the room he was sharing with Kanda, said other silently looping Allen’s other arm over his shoulder and taking most of his companion’s weight himself- the boy had passed out at some point on the walk back. Kanda wasn’t feeling too great himself, he had trouble walking in a straight line and his vision would wobble every now and then, proof that the fight had been more than either had been prepared for. It was a wonder that they had managed to survive at all, let alone with as few serious wounds as they had- though they were covered in scrapes, scratches, and bruises. So went the life of an Exorcist.


	2. Beat Around the Bush

Two days later, they were in a room in a different establishment, on the way home. And tensions were running just as high as ever, maybe more. Something had shifted after that battle, and neither quite knew what had. All they knew is that their tempers were shorter than ever around the other, and the strangest things would set them off, or make them avert their eyes from one another. Their Finder watched it all with a wry smile that he hid whenever they were all within easy sight of one another. He suspected that these two enemies, in all but name, actually were beginning to like one another. A tricky phase for anyone, but all the more so for two who reacted like gasoline to a fire.

“I’ve hated you since the moment I met you, moyashi.” Kanda hissed, closing his eyes even as he turned away, jerking his coat off and throwing it across the bed he claimed. Kanda just wanted to go home, now that this mission was over and done with; Innocence safely in their packs. They had at least a week of traveling before they got back to the Order and the fighting was enough that their Finder had actually vacated the room, though he didn’t go far enough to lose them.

“Then why do you keep letting me in?” Allen shot back, choosing to ignore the slight in favor of looking at the myriad of cuts, scrapes, and bruises on his normal arm; lingering reminders of their mission. “I don’t think you mean ‘hate’ like the rest of humanity does, baKanda.” The silver haired exorcist swallowed a grin at the sudden twitch of the swordsman’s shoulders. He knew the other detested that name, probably more than he hated being called ‘moyashi’. All was fair in war. Allen divested himself of his coat in a more controlled manner than his ill-tempered teammate, folding it neatly at the end of his bed.

“I mean hate as in I would love nothing more than to kick you in the face.” Kanda growled, turning his back on the other. He wobbled on one leg, swiftly pulling his boot laces undone before switching legs and then kicking them off. They hit the floor with muffled thumps, and Kanda sighed quietly. He could just _feel_ the migraine on its way. Talking to Allen Walker always left him tense, angry, and ready to break something. Pity Lavi wasn’t there for him to chase down.

“I find it funny that you, of all people, can even say ‘love’ without choking on it.” Allen chuckled, sitting on the slightly uncomfortable mattress to untie his own boots, shooting at glance through his hair to see what Kanda was doing. The other was glaring over his shoulder at him, much as Allen had suspected.

“Tch.” Kanda sniffed, pulling his hair tie loose in one quick motion and letting his blue-black hair fall from the high ponytail it was normally kept in, hissing softly when his shoulder protested angrily- the deep muscle bruise there refusing to heal quickly. He could always force it to, but that would just tire him faster and make him even more irritable. Something he couldn’t really afford to be right now.

Allen paused in the middle of yanking off his shirt, struck again by the irony that someone as nasty, pessimistic, and outright unpleasant as Kanda could have hair that pretty. Allen often wondered why the other wore his hair so long, he was not the kind who took to luxury; preferring to keep things quick and easy to take care of. Having hair that long, for it easily reached mid-back on him, could hardly be easy to care for.

“Besides, if you ‘hate’ me so much, why haven’t you actually tried to do more than shouting matches? I don’t think you’ve ever actually hit me with the intent to actually cause harm.” Allen muttered, more to himself than anything, as he pulled on a tank top to sleep in. He wasn’t expecting a response from the other and he didn’t receive one, at least not right away.

“Komui would probably kill me.” Kanda remarked drolly. “With you being Cross’ apprentice and Hevlaska’s prophecy and all that crap- and you’re forgetting. I tried to kill you the day I met you.” Allen raised an eyebrow at the other, who chose to pointedly ignore him in favor of pulling a brush through his hair, before twisting it into a low ponytail. Allen made a small face of amusement, he had never seen Kanda’s bedtime ritual before- having never shared a room with him before, so this was all rather entertaining. At least it was until he realized that Kanda was glaring at him, belligerent expression back on his face in full force. “What.”

“Just wondering why you have long hair when you hate to be bothered by anything.” Allen shrugged, thankful for Cross’ ‘schooling’ (for once). It enabled him to be a master at poker, and very good at hiding what he was actually feeling. Kanda wasn’t one to look under the initial expression, so he probably wouldn’t catch the curiosity that the vaguely disinterested face was hiding. And the accusation that was dancing on his tongue, wanting to be let loose- Kanda had dodged the question.

“I like it.” Kanda answered Allen’s newest question and turned his back on the other. Allen’s silver eyes widened slightly in surprise of getting a response, and one that was actually revealing something about the other exorcist- instead of the usual crap Kanda tossed out to keep everyone at a distance with his ill temper. Allen watched as Kanda carefully loosened the belt that held Mugen’s sheath, sliding the sword loose and dropping it lightly to the mattress; the belt clattering loudly onto a chair. Allen bemusedly shook his head, he found it ironic that the only things Kanda was ever gentle around were a killing weapon and Lenalee.

Allen tossed his clothes onto the other chair in the room, flopping back onto his chosen bed to stare contemplatively at the ceiling. There was a dynamic he couldn’t figure out entirely. Kanda and Lenalee. How did that even work? He’d always assumed that Kanda was only a semblance of friendly to her because she was Komui’s sister and no one wanted to prod at that particular part of the chief’s awkward personality. Kanda always treated Komui with a cold sort of grudging respect; and fear whenever Komui was in one of _those_ moods, moods that always ended up almost destroying their home with the results. _But_ , Allen wondered idly, _was there more to it than just that?_ Kanda wasn’t as rough with any of the girls they worked with, and when they had to fight against a woman… he always looked a lot more annoyed than usual. Maybe the man did have morals, afterall.

A soft click drew Allen’s attention from his wandering thoughts and across the room. He rolled his eyes when he realized that Kanda had merely leaned Mugen against the wall near the headboard. He shook his head slightly, feathering his longer bangs over his eyes to hid them incase Kanda caught him staring again. That wouldn’t do, since the set of the older man’s shoulders betrayed how on edge he was already. Kanda had his shoulders almost hunched in, almost imperceptible to anyone who didn’t make a habit out of trying to socialize the unwilling swordsman- or any of their small group. Lavi never noticed anything unless he could twist it to his benefit; but it seemed like he went out of his way to annoy the hell out of Kanda. They had known each other for a fairly long time, which might explain why Kanda put up with the lighter of Lavi’s schemes. There was a line to it, though, and Lavi tended to cross it every few days. Allen snorted softly, he had no idea how the redhead was even still alive after half of what he’d pulled.

“Tch….” Kanda growled softly to himself, resting his hands on his hips and tilting his head to the side slightly as he regarded his possessions. Satisfied that everything was where he wanted it, he deftly pulled his long-sleeved shirt off, intending to change into a sleeveless shirt that he usually slept in- to keep from overheating. People generally referred to him as a cold person with a heart of ice, but it was just his personality that was so cold. He almost wished he was one of the people who needed to wear a ridiculous number of layers in winter, rather than waking up with just a sheet on and still feel like he was inside an oven. Kanda rolled his eyes, sparing a glance down at the tattoo that covered the left side of his chest. He made a noise of quiet contentment, pleased that everything looked alright; despite how much he had used that to stay alive. He leaned over, intending to dig through his bag to locate his shirt when he caught Allen’s eye briefly, before the younger jerked his head away to stare at the ceiling. Kanda scowled, hiding his confusion behind anger as was his usual method. He had no idea why it looked like Allen was blushing, and he decided that it didn’t really matter so long as the other kept his thoughts to himself. Kanda warned the boy time and time again, he did not care to hear the troubles of another, and he would not help him anyway. Or so he tried to tell himself.

Allen snuck a peek at the swordsman, eyeing the tips of the black tattoo that peeked over his shoulder, the way muscles moved easily under pale skin… Allen decided that it wasn’t fair that Kanda was as pretty as he was and with a perfect hunter’s body; built from years of swordsmanship and hard fighting.

“Why are you staring at me?” Kanda snapped, and Allen jumped with a startled squeak. Chagrined silver eyes met annoyed and confused cobalt before looking away. “Moyashi? Answer me.”

“Nope. You never answer me.” Allen replied, rolling to put his back to Kanda. An irritated frown pulled Kanda’s eyebrows down and narrowed his eyes as he jerked his shirt on. _That was not normal._ Allen always answered him, usually with some manner of smartass reply or another question Kanda would then ignore, never an outright evasion like that. And the way the other’s ears were a burning shade of red…. _What the hell is going on in that mind of his?_ Kanda wondered, staring at the back of Allen’s head. There was obviously something about him that bothered the other, and it was clearly more than Kanda’s personality. That displeasure had been expressed more times than Kanda cared to count.

The sting of hurt that lanced through Kanda’s chest took him by surprise at the thought that Allen might genuinely dislike him, since when did he _care_ what the kid thought? Kanda dove into his covers, snapping off the light on his side of the room along the way, and dragging his blanket up over his head. He was starting to get an idea about several things, and he wished that this particular epiphany had waited to make itself known. As in, forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for dropping by! =w= I'll be trying to update fairly regularly.


	3. Twisted

Hours had passed since the room had fallen silent and the moon was illuminating parts of it with a cold light. Allen had fallen asleep a while after Kanda had, turning things over in his mind until he had passed out- never knowing exactly when sleep had taken control. While Allen slept quietly, Kanda was restless. He was deep asleep, but tossing and turning with an occasional muttered phrase and changing facial expressions. Nightmares gripped people on a regular basis, usually nonsensical and fantastic in the content, but for Kanda nightmares were memories- memories that the subconscious twisted and warped from the ‘what had been’ with the swordsman deepest fears and most irrational feelings.

_“Why can’t you leave me alone!” Kanda’s voice broke halfway through, even as he averted his eyes from the boy staring at him with cold eyes._

_“Why can’t_ **_you_ ** _admit anything to yourself?” The other snapped back, arms crossing over his chest. Kanda glared at him, eyes burning with welling tears. He couldn’t admit anything consciously, because he already knew that the anger and pain that would follow could leave him as someone he never wanted to be. A snort drew the swordsman’s eyes to the other’s face. Kanda wrinkled his eyebrows in confusion at the smile the other showed, though the warmth never touched his eyes. ”Oh, so you did admit it. Even though you refuse to acknowledge as much.”_

_“Stop toying with me! Is this your revenge, then? To never allow me peace, until I fix what’s wrong?” Kanda shot back, fury hardening his voice, stopping the tremors. “Or won’t you be satisfied until I’m dead, too?” The other’s features darkened at that, until he looked more deadly and angry than Kanda could ever recall. Fear lanced through the swordsman’s heart, turning his blood to ice._

_“What if I said I would never rest, and never let_ **_you_ ** _rest until I killed you with my own hands? What would you do then, Kanda? Would you kill me, yourself?” He spat back, every word laced with venom. “Maybe I don’t want you to live a life in any form of happiness. Maybe I don’t want you to ever be capable of being loved again, or loving again. What, did that hurt you? You? The high-and-mighty Kanda? Please, your heart is as cold as the steel of your blade. Tell me, darling, did you cry when I died? Or were you relieved, since I was_ **_such_ ** _a bother to you!” Kanda flinched and drew in a startled breath. His one-time friend opened his mouth to continue-_

“KANDA!” He jerked awake, instinctively reaching for Mugen, blurry eyes trying desperately to focus in the near-dark. When he could see a little better, but no clearer, he could see silver hair glinting in moonlight, wide grey eyes that looked terrified. Kanda dropped the hand that was trying to find his sword, realizing that he was breathless and shaking. Allen looked like he was torn between having a panic attack and trying to find a doctor.

“What, Allen.” Kanda tried to sound like normal, like he was angry at being woken, but his voice was unsteady and trembling. He drew in a shuddering breath, trying to calm down. He had had  _much_  worse nightmares than just verbal abuse, so much worse. He scowled and dropped his eyes from concerned grey, furious that he had allowed a slip-up of this magnitude to happen around someone else. He had never wanted anyone to find out about these dreams, Allen least of all. While others might be worried, they feared him enough to keep their mouths shut. Allen? No, that one didn’t fear Kanda  _enough_ , as far as the swordsman was concerned. It didn’t help that he behaved too similar to that old friend….

“Kanda, you were crying. Don’t you even try to pretend you’re fine.” Allen’s eyes narrowed, and he watched as Kanda stiffened and slowly touched his own face; staring at his damp fingers like they didn’t belong to him. “Just what the hell were you dreaming about? I thought you were having a fit or something! You kept flinching like you’d been shot.” Kanda growled, trying to find the energy to pretend to be angry. He deadened his expression and met Allen’s eyes with hollow cobalt.

“It doesn’t matter to you.” His voice was wrong, too, dead. “Stop trying to get close to me, Allen. You’ll regret it.” He turned away again, eyes slowly closing. Hopefully Allen would leave him alone now, and go sulk for the rest of the night. Kanda hoped without really putting any faith into it. Allen was more stubborn than anyone else he had met, save one.

“You’ve already given me plenty of reasons to regret trying, stupid.” Allen levelled back, resisting the urge to slap the older Exorcist. From the way Kanda’s head snapped back to glare at him, it seemed like he may as well have.

“You know nothing.” Kanda breathed quietly, sounding more deadly than when he was yelling. “You know nothing of what horrors lurk around me.” Cobalt stared into grey, unblinking. Kanda was trying to think of the right words to say, words that would hurt the boy’s feelings enough that he would stay back. Kanda knew that his old friend was gone, but the words from his nightmare still echoed in his mind, and he feared them somehow coming true. He didn’t think that his heart could take the loss of another friend and still function right. Kanda knew as well as any other that Death could be around the next doorframe. Unlike the rest, he fought against that inevitability by forming loose bonds with others, though he preferred to have none. Allen had, somehow, gotten much closer than a loose tie, and Kanda was inwardly scared of that. Scared at the power the other held over him, strong enough that he’d nearly killed himself to keep the other alive more than once. That was a bond more than ‘coworker,’ more than ‘friend.’ Kanda wouldn’t die for a friend, even if he’d do everything possible to keep them living. He wasn’t that noble, he had a bigger agenda. So then, if he  _had_  nearly died for Allen, what did that make the boy to him? Could he just pass it off as a use for the orb in his heart, a reason behind that tattoo? Could he pass it off as a duty because he could heal from what others could not? Kanda wasn’t known for thinking things through, but that just sounded stupid even to him.

“I can’t know anything if you don’t tell me.” Allen dropped onto the floor, sighing. He ran a hand through his hair, wishing that he could just stop caring about the cold-appearing swordsman, but knowing that it was hopeless. That coldness had pissed him off at first, until he had come to realize that it was a defense to try to protect a gentle heart. One that was more fragile than he had guessed, it appeared, because Kanda had been scared during that nightmare. Allen frowned at the memory of Kanda crying in his sleep, begging his internal tormentor to stop. While Allen didn’t know what had transpired, nor what lurked in the darkness of Kanda’s past to elicit such a dream, he wanted to know. Even though it would be painful and dark, he wanted to know. Allen sighed again, wondering just what it would take for Kanda to realize that he couldn’t be gotten rid of so easily, that he wasn’t shallow enough to only pretend to be friends with someone. That their tie was so weak that a lie and a blank glare could turn him away.

“I don’t want to tell you.” Kanda whispered back, turning to stare at the wall beside him. Allen started, unsure of whether or not he was meant to hear that. Kanda murmured something else, too quiet for Allen to hear.  _You’re too close to me already._

                The younger Exorcist pretended to not have heard, since it was so out of character for the swordsman to say anything like that. An almost awkward silence descended on the room, the only noises where the slight rustle of fabrics when one of them would shift their position a little and the soft shush of wind outside. Kanda’s breathing had long lost any hint of irregularity and he stared blankly at a patch of moonlight on the floor. If he looked at it just right, it almost looked like there was a flower in it.  _Okay, that’s enough of thinking down that track. I don’t feel like hallucinating right here and now._  Kanda slowly closed his eyes, drawing in a deep breath. He held it. And let it out just as slowly. He repeated the pattern, trying to center himself and find a sense of calm. Behind his closed eyes, he could see  _her_. But, as always, he couldn’t see her clearly. It was like looking up at someone standing over you when the sun was at high noon. She was all warmth and light and peacefulness. Kanda roughly shook his head. That wasn’t him, that wasn’t the memories of Yuu Kanda. The other man in his head, the broken one, quieted with a soft moan of pain, the vision of her gone in a sea of blood and flickering explosions and bone-shattering pain.

                Kanda opened his eyes, eyebrows drawn tight in repressed anger and pain, and looked straight into the worried eyes of Allen. Kanda’s eyes widened in shock before he forced his expression to smooth out. He wished he was drunk because he could pass this all off on that. Wait, no, he couldn’t get drunk. But did Allen know that? Fuck, he couldn’t remember what Allen knew about his regenerative ability and he wasn’t curious (or masochistic enough) to try to find out. He wanted to tell Allen everything. That was dangerous. Very, very few knew of the Second Exorcist project. Kanda knew that the younger viewed the Order as a family to him and the swordsman was reluctant to break that perfect vision. Allen could be unpredictable and the last thing Kanda wanted was for him to try to confront anyone over what had been done to Kanda. Done to Alma…. Alma had suffered the worst.

                “Quit staring at me.” Kanda snapped, all of his old ire back in his dark eyes. Allen sighed. He had the feeling that he had almost gotten to the root of Kanda’s problem.

                “Then stop acting like you’re going to explode. You remind me of Lavi when that one woman completely ignored him and his fascination with her.” Allen paused. Kanda internally groaned, he could almost  _see_  the proverbial light bulb going off.

                “No.”

                “I haven’t said anything yet!”  
                “You were going to and it was going to be stupid. And wrong.”  
                “How would you know if I haven’t said it yet?”

                “It’s you.” Kanda rolled his eyes. He had no intention of listening to whatever cock-and-bull notion Allen had this time. He dropped heavily on his side, hissing softly at the pain from his bad shoulder, and stared at the wall again. He was willing Allen to go back to bed and leave him to his own silent misery. He closed his eyes when Allen started talking again. He never could leave well enough alone.

                “You know, you’re acting like you’re lovesick. In addition to the usual Ice Prince attitude to try to make people dislike you. What’d you do, end up falling for someone?” Allen was halfway teasing and halfway serious. He wasn’t sure what answer would annoy him more, yes or no. Yes would mean someone else got under Kanda’s skin and no would be so boring.

                “Excuse me?” Kanda’s voice was deathly calm and very quiet. Allen hid a wince.  _Okay, not a smart track to take._  “Where in the hell did you get that idea? Do I look like the kind of person who associates with anyone when I’m not forced to?”

                “I don’t stalk you, so there’s plenty of time outside missions, the infirmary, meals, and training.” Allen replied shortly, crossing his arms. He set sail on this ship, might as well see if it sinks or not. “You never get overly mad at Lenalee. Miranda’s too timid for your temper, she'd probably have fits from the expression on your face, but I’ve seen Lenalee hit you more than once and you didn’t do anything other than scowl at the wall.”

                “For the love of God, are you insane? Only Lavi would be stupid enough to try and date her! Komui would engineer something to kill whoever tried and, much as you haven’t seen to notice, I’m not trying to die.”  _Yet._  He added silently to himself. “I don’t cause needless violence unless provoked and I was raised not to hit girls. Unless they’ve got a machine coming out of their face and are trying to kill me.” Tiedoll would have had a fit if Kanda allowed his temper to rule him in everything. He’d probably want to have a ‘fatherly chat’ and those were uncomfortable, embarrassing, and horrifying. Kanda had dealt with three in his time under the General and wanted to suffer no more.

                “So maybe you like guys.” Allen laughed at him. Kanda’s expression was caught somewhere between disgust, horror, shock, embarrassment, and angry. It was a funny look and not one Allen had ever seen on his face before. “Don’t let your face freeze like that.”

                “Oh hell, shut up! You spout ideas that get increasingly more stupid the longer your mouth is open!” Kanda finally found his voice. His hands had curled into fists and his face was slightly red where it wasn’t pale. “If you even follow that train of thought, I’ll run you through. Or maybe you’d like to have your arm fixed by Komui again?” It wasn’t a question as much as it was an open threat. Everyone had heard Allen’s horrified screams that first day he’d been at the Order. Predictably, Allen scowled.

                “Don’t touch my arm.” He sounded vaguely threatening. He looked like he was hoping that Kanda was joking. But Kanda did not ever jest.

                “Then stop poking at my pride.” Kanda answered, laying himself back down and closing his eyes. He was hoping this was just some kind of stupid dream he would wake up from and could pretend didn’t happen. He heard the soft scuff as Allen got off the floor and crossed the room. He couldn’t see the slight smile on the other’s face when he dropped into his own bed.

                “Good to hear that you’re feeling yourself again.” Allen rolled so he had his back to the room and yawned. He wasn’t much of a late night person unless there was a reason to be. He fell asleep quickly, smirking and mulling over the tiny bits of information he had picked up from what Kanda hadn’t said, as much as what he had. Needling the swordsman had proved useful. In addition to getting him to relax from whatever nightmare he had been trapped in. Allen was a little smug.

                Across the room, Kanda growled slightly. The little idiot was right. He did feel better, even if he felt annoyed. Kanda rubbed his forehead and sighed. He had the nasty feeling that this conversation wasn’t over. Allen was like a bloodhound on a trail sometimes and he wouldn’t stop until he got his answers- one way or another. Kanda would have to watch himself more carefully than ever so he didn’t give anything away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully, I'll be starting to update weekly. Thanks for reading!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I have nothing to say for myself leaving this hanging for so long. I basically got writer's block and then forgot about it. There's been some family drama too but I'm getting good at ignoring it.
> 
> Things are gonna start picking up after this chapter, I promise you that.
> 
> Without further ado, I present you chapter 4: because it's my birthday and I swore to myself I'd post this.

They woke up a few hours later at the gentle knocking of their Finder at the door. Neither boy said anything to the other as they went through the motions of getting dressed and packing up. They left the inn quickly, not stopping for food. They would eat while on the way, to save time. It was a sound judgment but Allen’s stomach disagreed with that logic. There simply was not the time or means to keep up with his appetite while on the move—one of the downsides to being a parasite-type accommodator. Kanda, on the other hand, didn’t even bother eating anything. He had declined any and all offerings with a nasty glower. Allen shrugged it off; he hadn’t really seen Kanda eat anything other than soba, come to think of it. _Weird. I guess he just likes it? Kinda boring though. I could never survive if I ate the same thing every day._

The next several switchovers went the same. With one big difference— Kanda had stopped sleeping. Allen hadn’t remarked on it, not wanting another fight, so he had pretended that the swordsman was fooling him. Kanda wasn’t a very good actor. His breathing was a shade too fast for slumber and he was wound tighter than a coiled spring. As their current train rumbled along the tracks, Allen idly wondered when that spring would snap and how badly the fallout was going to be. He had never seen Kanda this tense or cold. There was almost a visible aura radiating out from his form, even as the swordsman sat with his arms and legs crossed, staring out the window. The ever-present scowl on Kanda’s face had been replaced by a blank stare somewhere along the way. Allen frowned and shifted to dig out one of the cream-filled pastries he’d gotten earlier, specifically for the long train ride, and debated on whether or not to offer anything to Kanda. 

“No thanks.” Kanda’s voice interrupted Allen’s thoughts. _I really wish you’d find some other way to occupy your time. Go back to not wanting to start fights, would you?_

“I didn’t even say anything.”

“You’ve been staring at me for a few minutes and you have food in your hand. It’s not hard to guess.”

“Oh.” Allen leaned back against the seat and looked out the window. He hadn’t realized that he was staring at Kanda. It was annoying how much he seemed to slip up around the swordsman. He could cheat adults out of everything they owned in poker but the minute it came to even keeping his thoughts hidden; Kanda somehow could read through everything. Allen had always known that Kanda was perceptive. It was a pain in the ass to learn just how perceptive he was. He crossed his arms over his chest in annoyance. Kanda made him feel like a child sometimes.

Silence fell in the train car and no one ventured to break it. This was the last leg before they were home. They would have to report to Komui first but then their time was their own. Allen was looking forward to dinner. He had missed Jerry’s cooking and enthusiasm. Kanda was looking forward to a bath and his familiar room. Meditation never sounded so good. They were still a couple hours from the Order still and the thought felt like an eternity. Kanda made a quiet noise of irritation when the train stopped to exchange passengers. I just want to go home. I need to be alone for long enough to relax. _Why does Komui keep sticking me with this annoying bean sprout anyway? Knowing him, he figures the kid can take my attitude and give it back. Komui is probably hoping we’ll become friends. Tch._

Outside of the compartment, their finder leaned against the wall with his eyes shut. He had never been on a mission that had felt as though it would never end before. The rumors about the legendary fights between the two Exorcists he was paired to paled in comparison to the actual arguments. Never before had he dealt with two people more prone to pick a fight over anything. Literally anything. There had been a fight about the time Kanda woke up—apparently he was in the habit of getting up at sunrise and the noise had woke Allen up. There was a shouting match about what food to stock up on. Another in the middle of the Akuma battle that had nearly gotten them all killed. No, the finder had never imagined working with them could be such a nightmare.

Despite all the arguing and frigid silences, however, he got the feeling that each exorcist actually respected the other to some degree. He could see the merits in both. Kanda was dedicated, serious, meticulous, and fast. He didn’t hesitate and he didn’t leave people behind—no matter that he often threatened to. Allen was driven, compassionate, fast, and just as dedicated. He lacked the ruthless quality that Kanda so readily displayed but that didn’t make him any weaker for it. Where Kanda lacked empathy, Allen had too much. Maybe that was where all the fighting stemmed from. The finder had wondered if, secretly, they only fought so much because they envied the qualities of the other.  
Shaking his head, the finder laughed softly to himself. The Order might only see two boys who hated one another. Some might see two friends who had a different way of showing it. The way he saw it was that they were two awkward kids trying to figure out just where they stood in the world. One was too easily hurt and the other was too easily angered. That was their own problem though. The longer they had been together on this mission, the less nasty they had begun to be to each other. Perhaps it was exhaustion. Perhaps they were tired of fighting. Or perhaps they were just getting used to compromising. In time, he hoped that they would find some manner of neutral ground that didn’t involve death threats and sudden shouting matches that nearly evolved into fist fights.  
Now that he thought about it, Kanda had resisted Lavi far more vehemently and yet the redhead still chose him to annoy. Kanda simply ignored him until he crossed a line and then Lavi would be running for his life, laughing like a madman, and Kanda would stomp off somewhere to either train or meditate. The finder grinned. That was it. Kanda was giving up on fighting Allen. He was making another friend. God knows Kanda would deny it until he was blue in the face but the truth was there. _This is going to be an interesting time. Especially when Lavi figures it out and gets Allen to gang up on Kanda with him._ There would be more fights for certain but they would likely be of the more entertaining variety.

________________________________________________________________________

The train arrived at the station without a problem and the trio all rushed off. Everyone was eager to get home and relax until they were sent out again. Kanda led the pack up the winding road to the canal system that would take them into the Order. He wanted nothing more to get away from Allen Walker. He wanted to get away from the irritating curiosity and overwhelming appetite that Allen had. No one said anything as they boarded the boat and began to move. Allen sat on a small crate and ran his fingers through his hair. The sound of his stomach was hidden by the small waves lapping at the sides of the tunnel and the light chatter of the finder and another exorcist returning home. Kanda was silent as ever as he stood near the prow with his arms crossed over his chest, his back ramrod straight. Allen sighed. He knew that stance. The instant they disembarked, he would be running to keep up with the older boy as he all but ran to report to Komui.

Idly, Allen wondered if the head of their Order branch had gotten himself into any trouble while they had been gone. It was no secret that the man was insane. There had been horror stories floating around the Order since Allen had arrived and he believed every word. After the way Komui had ‘fixed’ his Innocence when he had arrived, Allen would believe just about any crazy story that centered around the man. Lenalee was a saint for putting up with him, and keeping him in line when things got way too out of hand. She also was the best weapon to put an end to things before Komui could get the chance to wreak havoc. 

A short ride later and Allen was almost having to power walk to keep up with the pace Kanda set with his larger strides. The swordsman’s stoic glare was firmly back in place and several other exorcists scurried out of the way before he could actually glare at them. The halls were fairly crowded with people on their way down to get lunch. Allen could see Kanda getting more and more annoyed as they wove through the crowds. 

“YUUUUUUU! ALLLEEEEEN! You guys are back!” A loud shout drew a lot of resigned looks as a redhead began hopping up and down. He almost knocked a couple people on his way over, ignoring the glares and muttered insults. Allen supposed that Lavi was used to those reactions by now.

“Fuck.” Kanda’s voice was so quiet that Allen almost didn’t hear him and he figured he wasn’t supposed to hear it. There was a pause before Lavi skidded to a stop in front of them.

“You’re back! How’d the mission go? You didn’t try to kill one another did you?” Lavi looked between his two friends, blatantly ignoring the murderous glare on Kanda’s face. The swordsman made a scoffing sound and crossed his arms, averting his eyes away from the redhead. 

“Yes we’re back. Mission was fine. Not really, no.” Allen answered with a slight smile. Believe it or not, he had missed the annoyingly hyper way Lavi always was no matter the hour. “We need to report to Komui though. Then I’m getting lunch. I have no idea what he’s doing.” Allen started walking as he talked, having to shift around Kanda, and waved over his shoulder at Lavi. “I’ll see you for lunch?”

“Yeah, sure. I’ll find Lenalee and we can make it a party! Yu, you gonna come?”

“No.” 

“Aw, but—“

“I said no. Go bother someone else. I’ve had enough idiocy for one day.” Kanda strode off again, faster than before. He didn’t really look as angry as his tone of voice made it seem. Allen had a sneaking suspicion that Kanda actually liked arguing with Lavi, to a point. Kanda was a complicated person but Allen had no issues with that. It’d be a lot more boring if he were as transparent as some of the other Exorcists that they lived with. 

They walked on in silence. Now that they had passed into the upper floors, there were less and less people about. A couple times they walked passed someone from the science division. It was obvious who they were because they all looked like they were dead on their feet with purplish black bruising under their eyes. Allen’s eyebrows pinched together in worry. The last time anyone from the science division had looked like that, the entire Order had been evacuated for a day with no explanations given to anyone other than “Komui.” Ever since, Allen had come to regard seeing multiple scientists looking that haggard as a bad sign.

After that, they made it to Komui’s office with little else to note. Allen knocked on the door when it became apparent that Kanda had no intention of doing so. There was no answer so Allen knocked again, harder. When there was still no answer, Kanda kicked at the door handle and shook his head when the door opened to reveal Komui passed out on his desk. The desk and man were both covered in piles of papers. Half the floor was buried in thigh-deep piles as well. Kanda scowled as he stomped through the mess and stopped a few feet away from the center of the disaster.

“Lenalee’s getting married.” His flat tone of voice was quiet but Komui still came flying up off his desk as though someone had dumped a bucket of ice water down his back.

“LEEEENAAAALEEEEEEE! NOOO HOW COULD YOU GET MARRIED WITHOUT MY PERSMISSION!” He started wailing and knocked more papers into the growing fire hazard. Allen sighed to himself while Kanda retreated with a look of disgust. Allen had quickly gotten used to the fits Komui went through when they had to wake him up. He found it a little creepy that the man had such a sibling complex but at least they had a fool-proof way to get him awake.

“We’re back, you fool.” Kanda was in no mood for theatrics anymore and slammed his report folder on the desk. Komui jumped and his entire demeanor shifted into a more serious one.

“How’d it go? Any trouble?” 

“No.”

“Not really. Just a lot more Akuma than we’d initially anticipated but otherwise no issue.” Allen slid his own leather folder onto the desk without the anger that Kanda was showing. “We got the Innocence too.” Kanda carefully set it down on the desk as Allen spoke and then stuffed his hands back into his pockets. Allen could have kicked him but it was Kanda. The display of angered boredom was expected. In fact, if Kanda acted any other way it would be scary.

Komui asked a few other questions that Allen answered after Kanda proved that he wasn’t going to give more than one or two word replies. Komui didn’t seem bothered by it as he waved them out of his office. After the two Exorcists had left, Komui leaned back in his chair with a smirk. It had been most informative to see the way Allen took over when Kanda refused to answer. It was a far cry from the first mission that they had been paired for. They had fought and arguing even while reporting in and all the way back down until Allen had stormed off to find food and Kanda disappeared for a few hours. Komui chuckled softly. _Things are changing for the better._

After leaving Komui’s office, Kanda and Allen made their way back down, getting stopped once by Reever asking if the ‘idiot living in a sea of reports’ was awake and him storming off once they said he had been when they left. Kanda wordlessly left once they had reached the dorm level and Allen turned his own way. He wanted to change into more casual clothes since he planned to eat and then go get in some training before relaxing outside for a little while. Timcampy finally crawled out of his bag and landed on his head, causing him to laugh.

“Oh, finally decided to show up? You’d better not try to steal my food today.” Allen scowled up at the golem clinging to his hair. Tim just flicked its tail into Allen’s face for an answer. “Thanks.” Allen reached his door and pushed it open. He sighed quietly as he walked into the familiar room. “It’s so good to be home.”

After changing out of his uniform, Allen headed for the cafeteria in a white button up shirt and his usual black pants and boots. Tim was on his shoulder now, tail curled around Allen’s back and under his arm for balance. There were a few Exorcists coming back from missions and a couple that were leaving the cafeteria but other than that the foot traffic was nonexistent. Allen could hear the din of voices growing louder and louder the farther down the corridor he walked. A smile starting forming on his lips at the familiar sounds. He had missed this while he was away. It had been nice to get away for a while, despite the unpleasantness that a mission always carried, but he had missed his friends. Though, he could do without dealing with Kanda for a while after being trapped with him for so long. There was only so much of each other that they could deal with and that amounted to about an hour at most. Being home was a blessing.

Allen waved to a few people who called out to him as he made his way over to stand in line. It was a relatively short wait and then he was being crushed in a hug from Jerry before Allen could really assess what was happening.

“Allen~! Welcome back! I’ve missed you and your apetite!” Jerry let go when Allen made an awkward squeaking sound, unable to do much else because he couldn’t breathe. He had to lean on the wall for a moment to catch his breath. He started laughing then before he could reply to Jerry.

“Yes, I’m back. I missed being here. A lot. The outside food doesn’t compare to yours by a long shot.”

“Oh, you charmer. What can I get you?” Jerry giggled and leaned on the counter behind the window. He was one of the reasons Allen felt so at home in the Order. That and Jerry never complained about how much he ate. 

“Oh, um.” Allen rattled off his list of food. One of the guys behind him in line was staring at him with eyebrows so high that they were in danger of vanishing into his hair line while his friends laughed at him. Allen itched the back of his neck in embarrassment and moved down the line to wait for his food. He knew that the reason he ate so much was because of the type of accommodater he was but it was still slightly embarrassing when someone new overheard or saw him with enough food for an army. His appetite was legendary in the Order at this point and most everyone was used to it by new. Must have been a newer Exorcist or one who’d been away long enough to have missed running into Allen before.

In short order, Allen had his food and was making his way over to the table where he had spotted Lavi and Lenalee. Lavi was sprawled over the table with his cheek pressed against the wood, clearly complaining about something or other, while Lenalee looked like she was caught between laughing or looking appropriately serious. Allen didn’t bother to keep the smile off his face as he dropped down next to Lenalee. He had learned not to sit beside Lavi unless there was no other choice. The guy flailed a lot and it had taken a couple elbows to the gut before Allen had decided he’d never sit next to Lavi again unless the only other choice was sitting beside Kanda. That would just be asking for disaster.

Allen exchanged greetings before he started practically inhaling his food. He was content to listen as Lenalee and Lavi told him about what had happened at the Order while he had been gone. Lenalee complained about Komui and what stupid scenes he’d caused again while Lavi laughed at her. She kicked him under the table and his face paled but he didn’t make a sound. Allen had to give him points for being able to stay silent. Lenalee looked like she didn’t back much of a punch but oh man was that a wrong assumption. She could hit like a freight train when she wanted to. 

Allen offered his own stories in exchange, once he had eaten enough that he didn’t feel like he was going to die. Lavi had a speculating look on his face while Allen complained about Kanda on the train ride back. That look made Allen decidedly wary but he could not really place why. He brushed it off for later, deciding he’d worry about it if Lavi ever started in on something or other with him. It was usually Kanda who had to deal with Lavi’s idea of jokes.

“So, what’re you gonna do for the rest of the day?” Lenalee was looking at Allen with her head tilted slightly to the side. Allen set the last empty dish onto his tray and stretched.

“I was thinking about taking a book outside for a little while before getting in a bit of a workout. I’ve been slacking off while I was gone and I probably shouldn’t have. I was afraid that if I inhaled wrong, Kanda would lose his temper or something and I really wasn’t in the mood for another fight.” Allen shrugged as he stood. His friends followed suit and walked out with him. Lavi disappeared to ‘help the old panda geezer’ and trotted off with his arms crossed behind his head. 

“I was thinking about going into town for some things in a little bit. Would you want to g with me?” Lenalee paused as Allen ducked into his room for a book.

“Um. Sure? I can work out later, really. When were you planning to go?”

“In an hour or so. I can come find you.”

“Sure, sounds good. I’ll probably be under a tree outside. Most likely asleep, if I know myself.” Allen sheepishly rubbed the back of his neck while Lenalee laughed at him as she walked away.  
_Why do I feel like I’ve signed up for an interrogation?_ Allen wondered idly as he made his way outside. I guess I’ll find out later.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's this? An update already? *GASP* 
> 
> Hopefully, everyone is still in character. I've never worked with some of them before, so I'm not too sure.

It wasn’t long before Allen and Lenalee were on their way into town. They commented on how nice of a day it was shaping into, though it looked like it was going to rain later. There was a moment where they were dumbstruck by the sight of an old woman’s hat. It had had so many flowers and feathers on it that they had paused to try to figure out how her neck could support all the weight. The brim had been wider in circumference than the width of Allen’s shoulders. Another pause had happened when Tim decided to wander off and they had to rescue him from the claws of an alley cat. 

“Seriously, Tim? How many cats are you going to try to get eaten by in your life?” Allen had spent a solid five minutes scolding the golem. Tim had at least had the decency to sag his wings and tail as though he were ashamed. Allen, however, knew Tim would be back to irritating cats again before long. It didn’t really bother him all that much—except that Tim had the unfortunate habit of managing to be eaten by the cats. 

“Well, now that he’s hopefully gotten that out of his system…. Let’s go see if we can find the books I wanted to get.” Lenalee distracted Allen from his harangue at the golem once she had managed to stop giggling at the sight. It was unusual to see a white haired exorcist lecturing a small golden ball with wings and a tail about getting eaten by cats. She did need to get through the list of things that she had brought with her though. “After we get those and anything you need, we can stop at the one pastry shop before heading back.” Lenalee smirked when the words ‘pastry shop’ had Allen’s full attention on her. She didn’t bother to hide that she was laughing at him and his face tinted a little bit pink in response.

“Glad I’m entertaining.” Allen grumbled something to himself under his breath as he followed his friend down the street. She had tied her hair back into one long tail and it bounced as she walked. It rather reminded him of Kanda. If Kanda were actually nice. _And a girl. He’d never manage to be polite or as kind as Lenalee though._ Allen shook his head at the thought of Kanda being _kind._ Or the publicly accepted definition of kind, anyway. The swordsman showed his heart in subtle ways that most people missed.

“Oi, oi, earth to Allen!” 

“Aaaah!” Allen almost tripped over his feet when he looked up only to find Lavi leaning into his face. The redhead was so close that their noses were almost touching and Allen’s heart felt like it had stopped before kicking back into gear twice as fast. “Don’t do that!” Allen punched Lavi in the shoulder hard enough to push him back several steps. Lavi only started cackling. Lenalee was a few paces off with one of her hands pressed against her forehead. She was clearly exasperated by their antics already. Allen scowled at Lavi and sighed before stepping around the laughing fool to catch up with Lenalee.

“Why is he here?” Allen looked to Lenalee for answers. Lavi would only expel random, unrelated things if he were directly asked.

“I don’t know. I did not invite him. Or tell him we were going to be in town at all.” She rubbed at her temples in mock annoyance. The entire act was ruined by the slight smile pulling the edges of her mouth upwards.

“Hey! Don’t talk about me as if I’m not here! And why are you leaving me behind!” Lavi’s indignant yell had both exorcists laughing while he ran after them. The scowl on his face didn’t last for long, as usual, and he crossed his arms behind his head as he walked. “If you really must know, panda geezer sent me to get more paper and stuff. Apparently, he feels the need to stock up on enough bookmaking stuff to run a business for the next eighty years. Assuming he lives that long.” Lavi sounded exasperated and Allen laughed at him.

“You shouldn’t call Bookman that. You know he always senses when you do.” Allen had witnessed Lavi getting two booted feet straight in the face enough times to know that it was true. Bookman always seemed to know what everyone was saying at any given time, unless they were in their rooms or out on a mission—the exception was Lavi’s ‘nickname’ for him. That, he always knew about.

“Yeah, yeah. He won’t kick me if I’m carrying breakable things.” 

“Sure, he’ll wait until you set it all down and go to leave. Then bang,” Allen smacked Lavi in the back of the head, “you’ll be face planting into the door or into the floor.”

The trio shared bantering of a similar vein as they walked, pausing when they were in the bookstore because no one offended the little old woman who ran it. She was stronger and faster than she looked—and was the reason why Lenalee was shopping for Komui instead of him doing it by himself. The owner frequently remarked that there was no way it was possible for Lenalee to be blood related to ‘that pompous cuckoo.’ Lenalee had laughed herself out of breath and Lavi had to hide a smirk with his hand. Allen just shook his head and replied that no one in the Order really understood it either. The owner had tsked and handed Lenalee her books, giving the two boys the stink eye until they had offered to take some of the burden from Lenalee. Allen was already moving to take some of the bags before he saw the look. Lavi took a minute before he hurriedly took a few from Lenalee and then gallantly held the door open for her. 

Once the door had shut, the three friends had a good laugh over being intimidated by a woman half Lavi’s size. Lavi had then made a crack at Allen’s height and took off running before he could be hit by the heavy bags in Allen’s hands. 

“Why does everyone have to do that? I hate that damn name!” Allen groaned as he and Lenalee trailed behind their idiot friend at a slower pace, content to let him wear himself down. They knew were the scribing supply shop was anyway and that was where Lavi had said he needed to go, so they could just meet him there. Maybe he’d have gotten some of the stupidity out of his system by then. Allen really doubted it.

“Because you react to it. Why else do you think Kanda keeps doing it? He doesn’t harass Lavi because Lavi doesn’t react or when he does, he just makes fun of everything he can think of that gets under Kanda’s nerves.” Lenalee shrugged. _Boys._

“Tch. I wish they’d stop. I don’t think it’d work if I ignored them either….” Allen shook his head in dejection. Truth be told, it didn’t really make him that mad anymore when Kanda insulted him simply because it was Kanda and he insulted just about everyone. _I guess it should bother me less when Lavi does it since it is obviously his goal to annoy people._

“If you’d ignore them, they would. Lavi, though, he’ll just find something else to annoy you with.” 

“Heeeeeey, why are we talking about me without me?” It was as though Lenalee had summoned him. Allen shook his head and took Lenalee’s bags from Lavi before he could drop them. His own burden was nearly three times the amount that Lenalee had gotten. Now they understood what Lavi had been griping about earlier. “Dammit, panda geezer. This is heavy.” He kept up the string of complaints while they walked to the bakery that also served as a small eatery. Lavi was the first to sit down, dropping dramatically into a chair and nearly toppling it over, while Allen and Lenalee sighed and set their burdens down. Lavi volunteered to guard their bags while the other two got their food first before getting his own.

Once everyone had gotten something and taken their seats, Lavi leaned forward with his elbows on the table; fingers laced together, and fixed an intent stare on Allen. The silver-haired exorcist pretended not to notice for a while, giving up when it became clear that Lavi was content to sit there and stare all day until he was acknowledged.

“What.” Allen’s tone was annoyed and tired all at once and he didn’t bother with trying to make it into a question. He knew Lavi would answer anyway; there was a stupid gleam in his eye that he only got when he was intending to pry into people’s lives.

“How was your mission?” A harmless enough question but Allen had the feeling that Lavi was going to end up going somewhere weird with the answer.

“Normal? We got there, got attacked—there were more Akuma than the initial reports said, we actually did find Innocence there this time, and then we came back home. It’s not really that interesting.” Allen shrugged and bit into one of the pastries he had gotten. 

“What, neither of you got injure this time? That’s amazing.” 

Allen glared at Lavi, chewing furiously, and swallowed. “Excuse me? I don’t always get hurt!” Allen narrowed his eyes at Lavi. The other boy held up his hands in mock surrender but the indignant look on Allen’s face didn’t leave or soften in intensity.

“You can’t deny that whenever you get paired with Kanda, one or both of you ends up getting injured because you two fight with each other just about as much as you fight with the Akuma.”

“I guess. We didn’t really argue much. No physical fighting, anyway.” Allen raised an eyebrow as Lenalee and Lavi exchanged a look. “What? We don’t fight every time we see one another.”

“I dunno, Allen. Every time I see you two at the Order, you’re both glaring at one another like you want to throttle the other.” Lenalee rested her cheek in a hand and grinned slightly, as though to say sorry for taking Lavi’s side. Lavi himself was grinning from ear to ear, tapping a finger on the tabletop. Allen scowled at the pair of them and stuffed an entire cream puff into his mouth so he wouldn’t have to bother with answering. _I was right, this is an interrogation._

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Kanda split away from Allen at the first opportunity. He needed space, needed clarity, and he needed quiet. All three were hard to have in the company of Allen Walker. Even when the kid was silent, there was a sense nervous energy that seemed to amplify ordinary sounds and set Kanda on edge. Now that the report was in, he was looking forward to going to his usual training room and just meditating for a while. He was the only one who really ever used that room, at least that he knew of, because no one wanted to bother him and risk being maimed. 

He offered small head nods to the few people that he passed on the way to his room, which was thankfully few. The nearly empty room looked the same as ever and Kanda could already feel some of the tension ebbing away. Nothing was out of place from the lotus on the table to the mess of papers on the desk. _Home_. Dropping his uniform jacket onto his bed, Kanda stripped out of the clothes he had been wearing. He pulled on a clean tank top and looser pants, still all in black, and slipped into his soft-soled shoes. Meditation required comfort and combat boots started to hurt after a while.

Having changed into more comfortable, and causal, attire, Kanda slipped his uniform coat back on. He would attract less attention on his way down if he wore it. He grabbed Mugen and spun on his heel before exiting his room again. The door shut with a sharp click and he was already striding down the hall. Thankfully, the halls were even more devoid of people now that most everyone was in the cafeteria for lunch. Kanda was secretly thankful that few would even realize that he was back so no one would really be looking out for him to be there. He would eat later, once his head stopped hurting and he knew which floor he was standing on again. _Dammit, everything around that brat gets complicated so fast._

Kanda shook his head and walked faster, resolving to just not think right now. His head was hurting from recurring nightmares of Alma and the overly perceptive attention from Allen had not helped one bit. It was unnerving how well the younger exorcist had been able to read Kanda. It reminded him of Alma and then the cycle started up all over again. It frustrated Kanda but at the same time, he was almost grateful. Had no intention of ever saying that out loud but there it was. Allen’s prodding meant that he at least marginally cared. So very few actually cared. Komui did but there was enough bad blood between Kanda and most every authority figure in the entire Order that he distanced himself at every opportunity. There was something that was almost _pity_ in the back of Komui’s eyes and Kanda hated it. Knowing Komui, it wasn’t pity so much as empathy. The man had gone through something vaguely similar, with Lenalee being an exorcist, so Kanda could not bring himself to actually hate the man. He could, however, heartily disapprove of the stupid experiments he carried out. It had been a while since the last disaster and something told Kanda that another one was due soon. He just hoped he would be away when it all went downhill. 

The farther down Kanda walked, the quieter it became until his footsteps were the only sounds. They echoed softly off the stone walls as he turned a corner and strode to the last door in the corridor. He didn’t even bother to see if anyone was there, he just pushed it open and walked inside. It was empty, as per the usual, and he sighed in relief. _Solitude. Finally._ He shrugged out of his coat, thankful to whoever kept the lights going down here, and paced to the center of the room. Long legs folded and he dropped to the padded floor and fidgeted around until he was comfortable. Kanda drew in a slow breath and rested his hands on his knees. Exhale. Slow inhale again. He could practically feel the stress peeling away.

Time ceased to exist in that room as Kanda settled into a rhythmic pattern of breathing. His mind was blissfully blank. All the thoughts, fears, and memories that had been plaguing him for the last week slowly settled to the back of his mind as he centered himself. They would stay there until he was ready to deal with them. For some of the memories, it would be a very long time before they were allowed to surface again. He prided himself on being able to lock down the painful ones for the most part. As the minutes stretched into nothing, Kanda let himself relax. He was almost fully calm and open, his emotions in check, and he focused on one thing at a time. The feeling of his lungs expanding and contracting. His heart beat steadying out. It was pure bliss.

“Yo! Welcome back!” A loud voice accompanied the door crashing open. Before Kanda could even do more than gasp in a startled breath, someone had started tapping their hands on his head. He growled audibly and the intruder just _laughed_ and changed the tempo of their tapping. “Nice to see you’re friendly as ever. And by that I mean I’d rather hug a badger.”

“Then go fucking find one, Daisya.” Kanda whipped an elbow back, hissing in disappointment when he didn’t connect with anything. The tapping on his head did stop though, so maybe there was a small victory anyway. Kanda slowly turned just his torso to glare at his fellow exorcist. Daisya was leaning against the wall now, near where Kanda had left his coat, and grinning so hard it was a wonder that it didn’t break his face. _I never really noticed how much this moron reminds me of Lavi. Fuck._ When Daisya started openly laughing, Kanda lunged to his feet. “Leave.”

“Nah, you’d miss me.”

“The only thing I’d miss is the urge to break your face.”

Daisya gasped and clutched a hand to his heart. “Oh, you wound me so, Yu!”

“ _What_ did you fucking call me?” Kanda froze, his eyes narrowing down into slits. When Daisya grinned at him, he swore his eyes went out of focus from fury before going back to normal. Aside from the shaking in his muscles.

“Your name.” Even Daisya was not stupid enough to repeat himself. He might have wanted to rile Kanda up but he did, in fact, value his manly bits. Kanda had once threatened to make sure that the world was not ‘inflicted’ with more of him. Kanda exhaled a hissed breath through his teeth.

“Why are you even here? How the hell did you know I was back?”

“Hmmm, because I want to and because I know.” Daisya smirked and shrugged. He enjoyed watching Kanda get mad. He knew that his brother-in-arms meditated as a way to push down all this thoughts and emotions. Sure enough, there was a flicker of steel in Kanda’s eyes. Daisya titled his head to the side. _Got him. Hook, line, and sinker._  
Kanda had had enough of Daisya and his evasive not-answers. All he had wanted to do was come down here and meditate for a while. All Kanda had wanted was to get away from idiots. Yet, one had followed him down. He saw his teammate shift his stance and he lost the rest of his patience. Kanda lunged at Daisya, sweeping a leg at his knees. _He came here to piss me off. He wanted a fight._ It rankled that he was playing into Daisya’s hands but it was too late now. At least he could work off steam. It had been a while since Kanda had sparred with anyone and he knew that Daisya, at least, could keep up with him.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not dead nor is the story.

Days passed without much incident. There was the usual flurry of activity as Finders and Exorcists came and went, the meal rushes, and that was about the most that went on.  Allen spent time catching up with Lenalee and Lavi between taking a break to just relax and train for whatever mission he would be put out on next. Kanda had been in and out after only a couple days of being back. Allen didn’t know if he’d been on missions or was just going out to do whatever it was that Kanda did in his free time. There had been a bit of a hassle about John, the son of one of the guys in the research and development group and an Akuma that Allen had gotten drawn into. In turn, Lenalee had learned his worst secret. Allen had been on eggshells since. It isn’t like anyone expected to learn that their friend turned their father into an Akuma and that’s how their eye got cursed. No, definitely a bombshell to drop on anyone. She had taken it shockingly well so far but he was sure that it just hadn’t really clicked yet.

                Allen grunted as he nearly toppled over while doing his usual morning set of push-ups. Sweat dripped into his eye and he swore softly at the stinging pain—and dropped to the floor in a pile. He would be ready to move in a couple minutes, after he caught his breath. His hand cramped up slightly and he forced it to flex and stretch. Maybe trying to do that many push-ups wasn’t a smart idea on just one thumb. At least he didn’t really have anything else planned for the day that would require him to use to his hands too much.

                As he walked through the Order, he noticed the resigned expressions on several Exorcist’s faces. None of them said anything in explanation to him, either, so he had nothing to go off of for clues. Allen found out what the commotion was before long. Komui was proudly showing off some kind of robotic monstrosity that he claimed was going to make everyone’s life easier. The thing was massive. In contrast to the resignation on the faces of the Exorcists that Allen had passed earlier, the science division seemed excited about it. Really excited, if the cheering was anything to go off. Komui looked smug as the cat who got the cream. Allen was curious but wary. This was something of Komui’s, afterall. A sigh from beside Allen drew his attention to Lenalee. She held a tray of coffee that was clearly meant for her brother and the others, if the cup with the rabbit on it wasn’t any indication.

                “Brother, I brought coffee.” Her words got the attention of everyone including Komlin, the apparent name of the robot. Said robot took the cup that was designated for Komui while the leader wasn’t paying attention. And it drank it.

                And then chaos descended. Allen found himself being chased throughout the Order by the damned robot that had obviously fried its circuits on the coffee. Komui had sicced it on him because he didn’t want it altering Lenalee at so, to his skewed mind, anyone else was preferable. That had led to a desperate chase. As Allen was running, he almost smashed straight into Kanda.  Kanda looked more annoyed than normal. Must have just come back from a mission.

                “Kanda, you stopped the last Komlin, right? How?”  
                “Cut the nape.” Kanda scowled. _So Komui had made another one of the damn things. Fuck if I’m getting involved in this._

                “And… where is that?”

                “If you don’t know, you’re destined to die.” Kanda snorted, the edges of his mouth quirking up, and turned on his heel. He disappeared without another word and Allen didn’t get a chance to follow. It was time to run again. _Kanda only smiles when someone’s going to get maimed. Got it._

                In the end, it was Lenalee who put an end to the mess. Allen had been caught before then and immobilized because of Komui, but they did get him out. He didn’t sustain too much bodily damage but the mental trauma was probably enough to make up for that. Komui tried to defend his creation with weak lines like ‘don’t hate Komlin, hate the coffee.’ Lenalee promptly invoked her Innocence and kicked them both over the edge.  Everyone cheered. Komui cried.

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------

                More time passed and another mission came up. Lenalee was Allen’s partner this time and they were sent off to a town that was rewinding. Their briefing had said that the town was repeating the same day over and over without any of the people living there any wiser for it.  One tavern owner had been reported to have gone nuts upon receiving the same call, the same order, repeatedly but then never being able to enter the town itself. So off they went. They made it in without a problem. Their finder, however, didn’t.

                In the end, it was Innocence responsible for everything. They found Miranda Lotto but they were found by someone else. Road Kamelot very nearly ended their entire mission, leaving behind a battered and broken Allen, an injured Lenalee, and a very stressed out Miranda. It was Komui, Bookman, and Lavi who picked up the pieces that Road had left Allen in. Lavi showed Allen what it meant to be a normal Exorcist without his Eye. Cross had said something similar, a long time ago, that Allen had not understood until then. It did give him back his resolve and life moved on again, steady as ever.

 

\---------------------------------------------------------------

 

                Kanda had his own missions that he interspersed with training, as usual. Allen Walker had been fairly hard to find after his last mission had mangled him but that was a relief. The twerp had started seeking him out whenever he could, mostly at meal times, and would not leave. Kanda tried to ignore him as best as he could. What was worse than the bean sprout coming after him? He brought Lavi and Lenalee with him. Lenalee was fine, she didn’t bug and pry once Kanda made it clear that he didn’t want to talk. Lavi, on the other hand, never listened.

                Today, sadly, was no different. Kanda had just sat down with his usual soba and there was Lavi not two minutes later. _Does he seriously always know where I am?_ Kanda scowled darkly into his food. He had started to actually change which table he sat at specifically to try to avoid the redhead. It was all apparently to no avail as he had yet to have a Lavi-free meal. He ignored the sound of Allen clattering down across from him. Lenalee still wasn’t well enough to move around yet so he was screwed. There was no buffer from either of the two morons. He sighed softly to himself. The days when he was left alone out of fear seemed to have been vanishing faster and faster now that Allen Walker was around. It seemed that Kanda was going to have to reassert why he ought to be left alone because he preferred it.

                For a while, the table was quiet aside from the sound of chewing and utensils hitting plates and bowls. Allen was steadily mowing his way through a mountain of food that numbered more than Kanda could probably eat in two weeks. He idly wondered where the kid put it all, aside from his Innocence burning it off, because he showed no signs of extra body fat. Not that Kanda had been actually looking for that at all, no indeed. Lavi was alternating his stare between his companions with a funny little smirk on the corner of his mouth. Allen seemed oblivious. Kanda simply didn’t care enough to ask about whatever weird little thought the junior bookman had going. _Knowing Lavi, it’s either stupid or correct._

                “Hey, Allen?”

                “Mmph?” Allen could only make a muffled, questioning noise as his mouth was stuffed with a bread roll. He tilted his head to the side while he chewed and raised an eyebrow at Lavi.

                “What’re you doing later?”

                “Ah, probably either reading or getting in a little bit of training, why?”

                “Juuust curious. How about you, Yu?”

                “None of your business.” Kanda’s reply was curt as ever and lacking in any manner of tonal inflection. He had no wish to be bothered. It was bad enough that Daisya had been after him more than usual, being teammates aside. Though he was loathe to admit it, Kanda was thankful for the distractions. It kept him from dwelling on nightmares and stupid little things that he had noticed about Allen. It wasn’t as though he _tried_ to notice them, it just happened without his permission.

                “Aww, don’t be a party pooper!” Lavi’s voice was nearly a whine at this point and it clashed with the stupid grin he sported. He wasn’t put out by Kanda’s hostility, not at all, and it was his life mission to annoy the swordsman. Well, one of his life missions anyway. He’d be damned if he missed a chance.

                Kanda didn’t bother responding to that. He knew Lavi’s game simply because of how often he’d been the target of it. Just like how Lavi wouldn’t be anticipating a reply either.  The only one who seemed remotely worried was Allen. He kept shooting glances between Kanda and Lavi with a small frown on his face. It was either concern, annoyance, or maybe curiosity. Kanda didn’t care. Let the beansprout stare all he wanted because nothing was going to change anyway.

                An uncomfortable silence settled over the table after that. Lavi was still smiling to himself. Allen had gone back to eating. Kanda was the first to finish and he picked up his dishes as quickly as he could without dropping anything. His one goal was to simply get away from those two before he exploded from trying not to react to anything else. He would finally get his meditation in today, Daisya was out on a mission as of this morning so he wouldn’t be around to kick the door down again.

\---------------------------------------------------------------

                There was the usual ruckus at the Order. Komui caused a scene and ended up destroying a good portion of town over Lenalee. He somehow got it into his head that she and Russel were ‘dating’. The Science Division and Allen ended up running ragged trying to stop their idiot boss and his Komlin III. As usual, Komui pretended he wasn’t at fault while they cleaned up his mess. There were a lot of glares being directed his way afterwards.         

Time passed. Allen was sent out on a mission from his nightmares: Find General Cross. The trauma of remembering was more than any Akuma-caused injury and Allen felt rather like a zombie just thinking about it. All those debts…. But he did find an old trail that led him to a village being plagued by a ‘vampire’. Bookman and Lavi had showed up as well. Lavi was all hyper bounce and pomp until they went to investigate the so-called vampire. All hell let loose when they were attacked by the man and his girlfriend.

                Of course, something wasn’t clicking right and it turned out to be one hell of a discovery. Krory had been killing Akuma, not regular humans, and Eliade was an Akuma as well—though Allen was the one to find that out. Krory was outside trying to kill Lavi. Long story short, Krory ended up fighting and defeating his lover. He resolved to become an Exorcist in the end. Allen and Lavi soon learn that Krory is far, far too unused to the world outside his castle to be left unsupervised for any length of time (and Lavi got to meet the dark side of Allen thanks to a card game). They decide that it’s best to get Krory back to the Order so he can be inducted officially.

\---------------------------------------------------------------

                _Oh great they’re back._ Kanda scowled at the wall in annoyance. So what if they’ve found another accommodator. So what if he’s another parasite-type. The mere fact that Kanda is going to have to deal with stupid Lavi again is enough to wipe that all out. Beansprout is annoying, sure, but Kanda at least can sort of understand how he functions. Lavi? Kanda’s pretty sure that  even the redhead himself has no idea why he does half of what he does anyway. No, the part that makes Kanda the most unhappy is that Lavi somehow passed the torch to Lenalee. She’s been sneakily trying to get him to talk about _feelings_. He’s slipped up twice so far and he’s furious about it. Lenalee will likely tell Lavi and then the heat will turn up again and fucking hell, he doesn’t want that headache. It’s bad enough that her questions have him over-analyzing himself now and he’s fast becoming paranoid about his behavior around specific people. _Dammit._

                Slipping away from the upper levels, Kanda bee-lined for his usual place to meditate in the hopes that he would be able to re-center himself. He just needed to be able to hold his composure for the rest of the day. The room was thankfully empty, there had been a recent spate of Exorcists training, and Kanda slipped inside with a sigh. There had been this heavy air hanging over the Order more so than usual. Instincts were screaming that things were gearing up to get bad fast and no one wanted to be caught off guard. Even Komui had been more subdued than usual, actually doing paperwork. Kanda felt like that alone was enough of a bad omen that he had redoubled some of his usual routines.

                It wasn’t Kanda’s lucky day to be left alone though. He could have guessed that someone would eventually bother him, given all the new activity, and he should have really seen it coming. What he couldn’t have guess was that it would be Allen Walker who would poke his head in the door.

                “Hey, Kanda?” The silver-haired Exorcist sounded like he was worried that Kanda was going to get pissed off and immediately leave. He watched as Kanda visibly stiffened and then relaxed. Allen had to swallow some of the guilty feelings that were threatening to make him turn around and run before Kanda deigned to answer him. It had been a long time since they had seen each other and Allen wasn’t sure what kind of mood Kanda was in right now. He had seen the swordsman look around the room and stalk off immediately after noticing that he and Lavi had come back, so his mood was probably angry as usual.

                “Is there something you want?” Kanda didn’t turn around. He didn’t  want to see Allen staring at him, analyzing him. He didn’t want to see the way the beansprout would react to anything he said. He didn’t want to think about how much like someone else the beansprout was. Kanda slowly exhaled and relaxed his spine again. Tensing up wasn’t going to help him out and he hadn’t spent an hour of meditation to ruin it now. He kept his eyes shut and his breathing even, hands resting lightly on his knees, while he waited for Allen to speak. And waited. He could feel a twitch in his eyebrow just waiting to happen. “Seriously, what? If you’re here to stare, I’m not going to do a trick so you ought to take a picture. It’ll last longer.” Sarcasm was his best defense at this point. Kanda had no idea why Allen was bothering him, had no idea why he wasn’t talking, and had no idea how to get him to leave without acting like a total ass. Kanda might have been a coldhearted person but he wasn’t going to stoop down to unprovoked attacks. He had a code. Even if it would be funny to watch Allen panic. _Go away already so I can relax._

                “What? No! Wait, no.  No, that’s not why I’m here!” Allen spluttered and tripped over his words, his tone bordering mortified and annoyed. He could almost imagine the smug smirk on Kanda’s stupid face and he was thankful that the other Exorcist hadn’t turned around yet. There was heat in his face that suggested he was blushing and he did not need to have to explain that to Kanda. _This is so stupid._ He clenched his hands into fists and sighed. “I wanted to know if you’d spar with me.” It was far easier to get that sentence out than he had thought it would be. The novelty of the situation wasn’t lost on him, however. Oh, how most of the Order would faint at the thought of Allen and Kanda _sparring_ together without trying to kill one another. He didn’t know if it was possible, but he’d like to try. Try to get closer to the icy bastard even though so many told him to avoid Kanda. It seemed like only Lavi and Lenalee were willing to deal with Kanda’s withdrawn temperament.

                “…. What?” Kanda had to have misheard him. There was no way that Allen would _want_ to spar with him. They hated spending time together. Even on missions, they couldn’t handle each other without incident for more than a few hours. And here was Allen _asking_ to fight? What was happening? There was a fleeting thought that maybe Lavi had put Allen up to this but it was quickly brushed aside. Allen had learned not to listen to most of Lavi’s ideas by now. Maybe it had been Lenalee or Komui? Komui, he wouldn’t put it passed him to do it. Lenalee though. Maybe she _had_. Afterall, she had spent the better part of two weeks annoying him about Allen, hadn’t she? _Dammit. I don’t want to do this._ “Why?” That was the safest thing Kanda could think to ask. Everything else sounded way more accusatory and he wasn’t really feeling up to starting a war.

                “I don’t want to ask Lavi right now. He’s too bloody hyper because of Krory and I really don’t feel like dealing with his condescending jokes whenever he lands a hit on me. Or the just plain stupid jokes he’s so fond of.” Allen raked a hand through his hair and shuffled his weight from foot to foot. Would Kanda buy that reasoning? All the real reasons weren’t ones that Allen wanted to actually voice because Kanda would just gut him first chance he got. Stoicism wasn’t easy to read when it tied into things like ‘I just wanted to spend time with you that doesn’t involve shouting or Akuma’ or ‘I like being around you when Lavi isn’t pissing you off and you don’t want to kill me.’

                Kanda slowly turned his head to eye Allen over his shoulder, one dark eyebrow raised. He was asking “really?” without saying anything and the sarcasm in his expression was obvious. Allen shrugged at him, a sheepish grin on his face, and took a slow half step into the room. Kanda’s expression didn’t change and he inhaled slowly. _Why am I doing this?_ His inner voice didn’t provide him any good answers so he just sighed and turned his back on Allen again. “Fine.” The swordsman frowned at his knees. _Why do I let things like this happen?_ There was a feeling that Allen would just keep trying to get him to train with him throughout the day and coming days. It was easier to just give in now and avoid all the headaches and verbal fights. It certainly wasn’t because Kanda was curious to see how Allen fought when it wasn’t life or death. _Stop that._

                “Okay.” Allen thumped to the floor a couple feet from Kanda and copied the pose the swordsman was in. “Whenever you’re done meditating, though.” Allen closed his eyes and bit down on the inside of his cheek to keep himself from smiling. _He looks almost harmless when he’s caught off guard. He almost looks cute. Maybe._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long story short: I got a job in December, grandmother died on the 27th, I got depressed and lost motivation and then stressed myself into getting sick. Didn't want to write anything and forgot where I was planning to head with this. Sorry, I know it took too long to get this chapter out and I feel shitty that I didn't get it done sooner.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am trash for taking so long.

Kanda was impressed. Allen hadn’t so much as fidgeted yet and they’d been sitting in silence for fifteen minutes so far. When Kanda had risked peeking over at the other, all he had been met with was the sight of Allen sitting quietly, eyes closed and breathing steady, posture relaxed but pretty decent. No, that was not something Kanda had anticipated on being met with. He wondered if Allen would complain if they just stayed like that for the rest of an hour before doing anything else. There was a strange feeling that the usually active exorcist wouldn’t mind at all. Kanda closed his eyes again and felt a small sliver of annoyance when he realized he was breathing in tandem with the other. It was petty but he held his next breath just a little longer to throw them out of sync. _This is too bizarre. Maybe I’m asleep._

                It turned out that Kanda broke before Allen. His plan to meditate the brat away didn’t work at all and it only had him growing more and more uneasy with just how natural this felt. Like he’d always been meditating with the silver-haired boy next to him. This feeling was like that when Kanda was being followed around by Alma… followed until he gave up and just accepted that he wouldn’t be spared from the other’s presence. It was unnerving. Kanda let out  a slow breath and shifted, slowly getting to his feet to stretch.

                “Kanda?” _Maybe I’m pushing him too hard? He almost looks like he’s in pain._ Allen was startled when Kanda moved. He had figured that they were going to stay like this until it was too late to do anything else and he would have to try again another day.

                “Get up and stretch. This was your idea, not mine.” _Stupid… don’t look at me like you’re worried…._ Kanda reached behind himself with both arms, grabbed his left wrist, and pulled. He needed to do something, anything, to drag his mind out of the past. It was his rival he was talking to now, not his old friend. He grunted and shifted to place his palms flat on the floor, trying to ignore the stare following him even as Allen got up to do his own stretches.

                There was a loaded silence while they finished stretched and finally shifted to stare at each other. Wondering how to get this started.

                “Are you any good with hand to hand?” Allen finally broke the tense silence. Kanda snorted at him.

                “I know a fair bit.” The swordsman finally answered, rolling his eyes. He obviously preferred his weapon but, as far as he knew, Allen had zero experience with a sword of any manner so they would need to find something that both at least had some practice in. Hand-to-hand though…. Kanda wasn’t entirely sure that he would be able to best Allen with it. It had been a long time since he had fought anyone with it. Usually it was Daisya bothering him and when they brawled, it was pretty much anything goes until one stays down.  When Allen shifted his stance, Kanda fell into his own. Allen had his arms up, hands loosely curled into fists, weight balanced. Kanda shifted himself, ready to move, and kept his hands at chest height, ready to catch or block. His strategy was to watch how the enemy moved first before he came up with a strategy. His eyes narrowed as Allen shifted his weight again, feinted, and came at him with a punch aimed for his stomach. _Oh, really._ Kanda wasn’t that easy to best.

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                Kanda was beginning to think that he had made a huge mistake in sparring with the beansprout weeks ago. Ever since, he had been showing up at least twice a week when Kanda wasn’t on missions under the same excuse.

“Spar with me.”

It was stressing the swordsman out. He couldn’t figure out what Allen was getting out of this or what his motive was. There had been a half-entertained notion that it was just the younger’s way of annoying him but that soon passed. If Allen wanted to annoy him, there were certainly much faster ways to do it—and the bean took full advantage of that occasionally.      

                Yet, there they sat again. Neither one had said anything to the other. Allen had walked in, sat down, and that was all. No questions or anything. Kanda had spent the better part of an hour trying to figure out what was going on before he gave up and cleared his thoughts. There was no feeling of pressure, nothing that felt like he had to get up to actually spar. It was almost as though Allen had come just to spend time with Kanda. _Ridiculous._

\------------------------------------------------------------------------

                Time passed as it often does. Lurches and blurs. The Order was falling apart. The Noah had revealed themselves in full and war had been declared. Tensions were high and hell had broken loose. It was on a mere chance that Allen reunited with Kanda in the midst of the mess.

                Allen had been walking, trying to clear his head, trying to come to terms with all the losses, when he had found Kanda leaning against a stone wall. The wall was just high enough for the swordsman to rest his elbows on but that wasn’t what had drawn his attention. What caught Allen’s eye was the sight of Kanda leaning with his face pressed into his hands, hiding in a remote area. There was a moment when Allen considered carefully leaving and hoping that Kanda didn’t hear him. A larger part urged him to offer what comfort he could to the swordsman. Allen wasn’t sure how he would accomplish that, Kanda never seemed like the needing comfort type, but he would try.

                Kanda jerked upright at the scuff off a boot on stone, alerting him that he was no longer alone. He didn’t know who would have found him way back here. That was the entire purpose of even being there. He just wanted time alone to think. The entire organization had suffered heavy losses. So many good Exorcists and Finders had been lost. The Generals were being hunted and everything was falling to pieces. The war had finally surged back up and reared its ugly head. It had taken another part of Kanda’s family. He bit the inside of his lip, distracting pain with another pain, and turned to see the intruder.  He sighed through his nose when he realized it was Allen. There was an overwhelming sense of relief. At least now he didn’t need to worry that it was someone who would pry. _When did seeing the moyashi ever become a good thing?_ Kanda turned to stare back over the wall. Allen could do whatever he wanted, stay or go, it was up to him.

                Allen chose to stay. Kanda hadn’t threatened him or told him to leave, so he took it as a sign to do whatever. The younger male joined his friend in leaning against the wall, wordlessly looking across the landscape. He didn’t know what to say. There were no words that would heal the ache of losing a friend. He knew. So all he did was shift to press his shoulder into Kanda’s. Silently offering his support. Allen half expected Kanda to push him away, to have some snarky remark, to just leave. Nothing happened though. Not at first. It took Allen by surprise when Kanda pressed his side more firmly into Allen, nearly leaning on him, without a word. Grey eyes widened and Allen warily peeked at his friend from the corner of his eyes. Kanda was just staring out into nothing, lips pressed thin, and nostrils flared. It hit Allen then that Kanda was trying to hold it all in. To not break down. The thought just about broke Allen’s heart.

                “You okay?” The words were out before Allen could stop them. He immediately wanted to rewind time and stuff them back away into this thoughts but it was too late now. He only hoped that Kanda didn’t react badly, that he hadn’t just ruined this moment.

                “No.” Kanda’s voice was barely a whisper, ragged and forced. He swallowed hard, narrowing his dark eyes, and inhaled sharply. “I’m not. But I will be.” He didn’t look at Allen. He couldn’t deal with seeing the concern there, the empathy. He didn’t want to be reminded of another that he had lost so long ago. _Why couldn’t I just lie?_

                “Yeah.” Allen let it go, content to lapse into silence. He didn’t want to push Kanda into leaving.

                “Daisya was an idiot, you know. He always picked fights with me. Even when he wasn’t strong enough to lay a single hit on me.” Kanda started talking, a whisper, and it opened the floodgates. He told Allen about how Daisya would deliberately tease him until he snapped, the way they would fight, the amusement in Tiedoll’s eyes when it happened constantly. He just kept talking without really thinking about it. Somewhere down the line, grief turned into anger. Anger at the world, at Daisya, at whatever being thought it wise to create the Earl and the Noah and everything. He raged at everything. And Allen just listened. Let him rant and get it off his chest.  God only knew how long Kanda had been repressing everything inside.

                It took a little while, but Kanda eventually ran out of things to say. He lowered his head to stare at the stones beneath his hands. It wasn’t silent for long. Allen started talking about what had happened to him as a kid, even though Kanda knew some of it already. The swordsman was grateful for it. Allen’s voice covered the ragged sound of his breathing while he tried to get himself back under control. There was no judgement for his breakdown, no empty sympathies or consoling words. It seemed like Allen was trying to offer support in telling Kanda that he had a good idea of how the swordsman felt. To Kanda’s mild surprise, it felt like it was working. He was calming down even if it still felt like his heart was being torn apart. So Kanda listened to Allen’s stories without comment. They were, perhaps, more alike than he had thought.

                The pattering of rain slowly became louder and it was then that Kanda realized that Allen had fallen silent, still leaning against him. It didn’t feel weird or peg any of Kanda’s physical barriers. Nothing about the situation was telling him to flee. There was only one other person who had been permitted to be this close. Once again Kanda was reminded of the similarities between the beansprout and Alma. It was startling and somewhat painful, but he was fast becoming grateful for Allen’s stubborn streak. Having someone to lean against, though not always literally, was nice. But then followed the guilt, the worry that this was a betrayal. That was followed by anger. At himself, the world, at those who left loved ones behind to suffer. Kanda could very well understand what drove someone to create an Akuma.

                Allen was taken by surprise when Kanda moved. He didn’t pull away, like Allen had been expecting him to. He dropped more of his weight against Allen, slumping down to rest his forehead on his folded arms. The swordsman made a noise that almost sounded like he was in pain and Allen frowned, trying to discreetly lean far enough to see his face. Kanda tilted his head just enough to glare at Allen with one red-rimmed eye from behind messy black bangs. He glared for a moment before dropping his head again and growling. _He’s crying, isn’t he? Kanda is crying._ Allen’s epiphany hit him with the force of a train. _Shit, what do I do now?_ This was a truly dangerous situation, as far as Allen was concerned. One wrong move could easily drive Kanda away and the months that had been spent carefully worming through his walls would be wasted. One wrong move could easily set Allen back far enough that it would be close to impossible to do over. This was more dangerous than fighting the Earl.

                After a pause, Allen slowly shifted, warily wrapping his arm around Kanda’s shoulders in an awkward half hug. It was safer than actually hugging the swordsman and would give him a chance to get away if Kanda reacted adversely.  He didn’t turn his head or anything. Just kept watching it rain. He felt Kanda tense up for a moment before slowly relaxing again. It would have made Allen smile, were the circumstances better. This was a shitty time to have ulterior motives but he’d take what progress he could. This world was firmly built on the idea that you never knew which day would be your last. Better to move forward than regret missing a chance to try.

                Initially, Kanda wanted to shove away once he felt Allen’s arm round his shoulders. A small part of him still wanted to push him off, spit out some kind of angry insult, and leave. That part of him was getting pushed down by something else. A part of him that was tired of rejecting everyone. A part that wanted him to move on. The part of him that knew that Alma wouldn’t like watching him suffering like this. That part had the larger voice and more reason. Less fear. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to give in. Who knew how long they all had to live. _I give up._ He turned just enough to fit better under Allen’s arm and sighed. Giving up was harder than fighting but he would try.

                Neither one really paid attention to how long they stood there like that.  At some point, the rain had increased into a downpour. The sound of rain hitting leaves was relaxing despite the gloominess of the sky. Kanda didn’t move and Allen didn’t say anything. They just stood, leaning into one another and lost in thought. Allen was worrying about days to come and dangers that would crawl out of the gutters. The Noah were their largest problem now. Kanda wasn’t thinking so much as trying to recenter himself. He had lost his calm and needed it back now. Soon it would be time to fight.

                The sound of footsteps shattered their quiet little world. Kanda jerked upright and sidestepped away while Allen leaned against the cold stone, arms crossed. The swordsman leaned his back against a support pillar, bitchy expression firmly glued back on, and scowled. He desperately hoped it wasn’t Lavi. There was no way he could deal with the redhead’s stupidity right now. Then again… Lenalee was just as perceptive as the idiot, if not more so. Maybe Lavi wouldn’t be such a bad choice afterall…. Kanda growled low in his throat. No one would believe Lavi’s stories if he had seen. But Lenalee? They would believe her.

At the sound of Kanda’s irritation, Allen smirked at him before looking away and stifling a laugh. He had no idea what was really on his mind but there were some easy guesses. One, he was worried that someone saw them. Two, he suspected it was Lavi coming to annoy them. Three, Lenalee had come looking for them both. Allen was more worried about Lenalee than Lavi. Everyone ignored Lavi.  He had sabotaged his credibility with wild stories about others. So anything he tried to tell wouldn’t do him any good aside from making people laugh. That was fine, as far as Allen was concerned. Lenalee was far more cunning and he did not want to know what went through her mind. There was a part of him that actually suspected that she liked Kanda beyond friendship. He wasn’t sure but the thought was there. Either way, what would happen would no matter what. He was just pleased that Kanda had dropped his guard for a bit. It was a step forward and Allen planned to keep them moving. He wanted to see just how far they could go.

Kanda shifted his weight and looked out over the wet lawn as the steps came closer. He was watching out of the corner of his eye, curiosity getting the better of him. At least whoever it was walked loudly enough to be heard a fair distance away. It would take some skill to sneak up on him. He wasn’t sure about the beansprout though. He had never really paid much attention to Allen’s ability to monitor surroundings.

“Yo.” Lavi raised a hand, and an eyebrow, when he found his fellows. Kanda looked pissy as ever, leaning against one of the stone pillars with his arms crossed. _Bad case of resting bitch face, that one._ The surprising part was in that Allen was with the petulant swordsman. The parasite-type accommodator was leaning with crossed arms on the half-wall and had a good seven feet between himself and Kanda. It was the usual distance but something felt _off_. Hell if Lavi could figure out what it was, precisely, from the body language. Allen looked amused, so maybe he had gotten the better of their friend. _Eh. I’ll find out sooner or later._ “I was wondering what happened to you two. Lenalee was starting to worry.”

“Tch.” Kanda looked away, frowning harder. He just wanted to think, not be dragged around.

“Oh. Sorry. I went looking for Kanda and well…”

“You guys started another disagreement, didn’t you? Yuuu, this has to stop or everyone’s gonna be afraid to talk to you at all.” Lavi grinned. Kanda had twitched at the use of his name and then looked away. Something was off. He was going to find out what even if it killed him. “Aaaanyway. I’ll tell her that I found you two and you can go back to whatever you were up to before I came along and ruined the fun~!” Oh, that got a reaction. Allen looked away and Kanda’s grip on his arms tightened. _So they_ weren’t _arguing. Ohohoho. I wonder just what they were doing. Can’t really spy ‘cause they’ll expect it of me now. Patience is key…._ Lavi waved as he walked away, chuckling. Now they would probably come back inside because of nerves and worry that he was spying. Too bad he hadn’t thought to walk quieter. He would remember that next time. There definitely would be a next time.

Lavi found Lenalee pacing around inside one of the common room spaces. She was frowning enough that she looked rather intimidating. “Lenaleeee, you’re gonna get wrinkles if you keep glaring like that.” He grinned, arms behind his head, when she jumped at his voice. She opened her mouth to say something but he stopped her. “I found both of them. They’re fine. Allen said he went looking for Kanda and found him but then they started arguing again.”

“Seriously? Is that all they’re ever gonna do? I thought they were getting better about that….” Lenalee paused, catching the good-for-nothing grin on Lavi’s face. “…. Why are you smirking like that?”

“I don’t think they were arguing. They looked _far_ too calm for that. Neither had a weapon drawn and they were a distance apart. No, this wasn’t right. And they were acting weird. Like looking away when I left ‘cause I told them I was gonna leave them to whatever ‘fun’ they were having before.” He waited as Lenalee processed his words. He knew when she made the connection because she started grinning. It was almost frightening.

“I hope you’re right, Lavi.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I'm a shitty author for taking so damn long to update anything. I'm really sorry (not that it makes a difference) and I'm trying to get a normal posting pattern. Work is killing me and I keep losing my motivation but I' haven't forgotten.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments are some of the best encouragement. I look forward to writing more for everyone!


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